Who I Am
by yintotheyang
Summary: AU JoLu one shot.


A/N – Just dropping in a little something as a belated present to Wendy! And hey, if you're spoiler free, that is a bad life to be living. I think good things are on the horizon and after three years, I promise I don't say that lightly! So, get your JoLu loving selves into positive mode. Maybe this will help! Happy birthday, Wendy! And happy JoLu awesomeness to the rest of you!

**Who I Am**

My name is Lulu Spencer. I'm stubborn to the point of stupid. I'm passionate to the point of frustration. I'm cautious to the point of afraid. I know all of this. I'm seventeen, so I'm pretty sure I know everything. I should, given that I've been through it all. At least I hope so.

My parents are gone. My mother to her mind and my dad to who knows where. My brother, well, we don't exactly get along. He likes it when he can find me and know that I'm safe. I like it when I'm lost and in a little bit of danger. I think I get that from my dad, which is probably why my brother hates that part of me. He's more like my mom and he's afraid of being alone.

So, for the most part, I stay put and keep my head down. At least I used to. But then one stupid boy too many tried to get fresh and I had to take off from the boring town of Port Charles. I took off on foot of course because by the time I turned sixteen, everyone was on notice to keep their cars locked tightly in garages and have top-notch security systems in place to make sure my knack for hot-wiring engines wouldn't leave them without a vehicle.

It's been four months since the first time I took off and the first time I met him. He was only two years older than me. He still had that boyish grin and a twinkle in his eye like a lot of the boys I went to school with. But he wasn't a boy. He was a man. And he didn't look at me like a girl, that's for sure.

It had been raining that day and he had seen me walking. When I heard his car slow down, I ran away. I never dreamed he'd get out of his car and follow me. When I finally took cover in the barn, I was drenched. He came in ten minutes later and I was trapped, so I led with a joke.

"_So a priest, a rabbi, a soaking wet girl and a creepy stranger walk into a barn," I muttered._

"_I'm not creepy," he replied. "I was concerned."_

"_Don't be," I shrugged._

"_Too late," he said. "You're acting like you've got something to hide or someone to hide from."_

"_Am I supposed to open up to you?" I wondered._

"_No," he shook his head. "You're supposed to not be out here in the first place."_

"_Too late," I mocked._

_And he smiled._

And since I'm seventeen and I know everything, I know that right then I fell in love.

So, for four months I've been going to a barn in the middle of nowhere anytime I knew no one would be looking for me. Which was most of the time. He's not always there, but when he is, we don't waste our time. We have some things in common, but the thing that bonds us most is that we both find time to be the most valuable resource. He has all the money he could want. I have access to quite a bit myself, but who cares? Money will go on long after we're both gone and we recognize that. We know that time is limited and we want to make every second count. Which is probably how he got me on the roof of the barn two weeks after we met.

"_I don't like heights," I protested._

"_It's not that high," he argued._

"_It's like thirty feet off the ground," I noted. "I'd die if I fell."_

"_You think I'd let you fall?" he challenged._

_Of course, he wouldn't. So, up we went._

"_Wow," I breathed, taking in the view around me._

"_Doesn't it feel amazing?" he asked._

"_Yeah," I nodded. "I feel so free."_

"_Freedom, it…" he stuttered. "It looks good on you."_

_A compliment. This was new. He usually just said everything with his eyes._

"_You think we could fly?" I wondered._

"_Why not?" he answered, cautiously stepping closer to me._

"_Probably because we'd just fall," I joked._

"_Falling isn't always bad," he whispered, leaning in to kiss me._

I can't count how many kisses he's stolen since then. And how many he didn't have to steal because I gave them willingly. How could I not? When he looks at me, with his brown eyes staring into the depths of my soul, all I want is to kiss him. After two months, our kisses had escalated and we had a blanket in the loft of the barn where we could lay and do more than just kiss if the mood struck us.

"_Don't stop," I ordered, making him freeze immediately._

"_I should stop," he replied, pushing himself up so he could look at me._

"_Why?" I questioned._

"_Lulu," he sighed, making me crazy just by breathing my name._

"_I want you," I said, more sure of myself than I realized. "I… I need you."_

_He was surprised and I couldn't blame him. It wasn't exactly the kind of thing you expected to hear from a seventeen-year-old. But age isn't an accurate measure of maturity or readiness. And I was ready to be with him. I knew that I was and he could see it in my eyes that I had no doubts._

"_It's not just about wants and needs, Lulu," he whispered, saying my name in the way only he could. "There's more."_

"_What are you talking about?" I wondered._

"_I'm trying to say something," he admitted. "Something I forgot how to say when I was eight years old and my mother died."_

_I started to cry and he smiled, gently caressing the side of my face. He kissed the tears away and waited for me to get my composure._

"_I love you, Lulu," he said softly. "And I don't want to keep going unless…"_

"_Unless I feel the same way," I finished, making him nod. "Don't stop."_

"_Yeah?" he asked._

"_I love you," I smiled._

Everything was perfect that night. It started raining, like it had been the night we met, and we made love all night long to a melody of raindrops on the tin roof of the barn. But, the next day when I got home, my brother was insane with rage.

"_Johnny Zacchara?" he demanded. "Out all night with a known criminal? And just what the hell were you two doing in there?"_

"_Excuse me," I muttered. "Are you following me?"_

"_I was worried about you," he backtracked. "I thought something was wrong. I didn't realize you were sneaking out to rendezvous with the son of a psychotic gangster."_

"_You should probably shut up," I warned._

"_You're not to see him again," he declared._

"_Since when do you get a say?" I questioned._

"_I'm your big brother," he replied._

"_So a genetic connection makes you the ruler of my life?" I challenged. "Hardly. I'm an adult, I can do what I want."_

"_If you're an adult, you should live on your own," he said simply. "Are you ready to move out?"_

"_More than," I spat._

I was out of there in a little more than an hour and on my way back to the barn. And I've been here ever since. I keep waiting for Johnny to show up, but he hasn't. I'm starting to face the very real possibility that he's not coming. It hit me two days into my stay that I didn't even have his phone number. We had always just met here, never planned it. It didn't seem necessary.

So, maybe I was wrong.

My name is Lulu Spencer. I'm just plain stupid. My life is nothing but an endless string of frustration. I'm afraid I've made a huge mistake. I think I know all of this. But, I'm seventeen, so I'm pretty sure I don't know anything. How could I? I've hardly lived at all.

"Lulu?" his voice cuts through the silence, but I don't move.

My back is to the door, which I suddenly realize is horribly dangerous. Not that he would ever hurt me. Physically.

"I'm sorry I haven't made it lately," he offers. "After the last time, my dad got crazy. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't have a way to get in touch with you."

I stay still. I take in his words and realize it's a perfectly logical explanation. But I've been alone for two weeks, waiting for him. What good is logic to me right now?

"Hey," he whispers, coming to stand in front of me and taking my face in his hands. "What's wrong?"

I realize I'm crying and I look away. He's having none of that, though, and he forces me to look him in the eyes. Which of course only makes me cry harder.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "Please don't hate me. I didn't mean to let you down or make you think I was using you. I could never do that."

I can only nod, which probably means nothing to him. But I can't explain. I just don't know how.

"What's with the luggage?" he asks, taking note of my things scattered around the barn.

"I left home," I reply. "Lucky found out and was trying to run my life and I just came here. I thought we could run away together."

"Lulu," he starts.

"Your father," I guess. "I'm so stupid."

"No," he argues. "I'm a coward."

"Maybe it's just not meant to be for us," I mutter.

"What?" he questions, hurt instantly registering on his face.

"I'm not going back home," I swear. "And if we're not running away together, then I'm running away alone."

"You can't do that," he protests.

"Don't," I plead. "Don't be another person telling me what I can or can't do."

"I'm sorry, but if you're talking about leaving me, I get to say no," he sighs.

"Then come with me," I say hopefully.

"It's not that simple," he groans.

"Sure it is," I shrug. "We'll start over somewhere together."

"You haven't even graduated high school," he points out.

"A diploma is overrated," I smirk.

"We'd be in constant danger," he says seriously. "My father would search for us."

"We'll hide well," I promise.

"I don't want to hide," he says, pulling me closer. "I want us to be normal."

"But when could that happen?" I ask. "After your father is dead?"

"I guess," he mutters.

"Who knows how long that will be?" I wonder. "Are you really willing to wait until it's safe just so we can be normal?"

He considers me for a moment. I'm making sense and I don't know which one of us is more surprised by that fact.

"I love you," he whispers, laying a gentle kiss against my forehead.

I'm prepared for the but that explains why he still won't run away with me. I'm prepared for him to beg me to reconsider the waiting strategy. I'm prepared for the bad news because that's what I'm used to.

"Where do you want to go?" he asks, meeting my lips with his.

Our kiss turns passionate briefly before I pull away.

"Everywhere," I answer, meeting his lips again.

My name is Lulu Spencer. I'm stubborn and passionate, but from now on, I throw caution to the wind. I'm seventeen, and I don't know much, but I know I'm in love. And I've been through a lot, but the best is yet to come. At least I hope so.


End file.
